The Lost Ones

I look around at my generation and I’m terrified.
Galaxies lacking a labor of cosmic love
Anchors sinking the ships of ourselves into solitude
Such holy vessels lost among the clouds
Worries submerge like submarines
Purging the deepest depths of our demise The pit of your stomach is a war zone
Always determined to battle alone

The drugs become band aids
Temporarily concealing your scars
But you can’t quite cover them all.
We’re never quite high enough
To escape the fall.
Never quite drunk enough
To drown the inner demons
Never quite sober enough
To discover life’s meaning.
When the dust settles,
They’ll challenge you to an arm wrestling match for your soul.
I beg of you; carefully prepare for the attack
Even on the days you may lose..
Arise and challenge them for it back.

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Weight

I never thought I’d be ungrateful for weight dropping from my chest
Until it began disappearing from everywhere.
The light in my eyes dips itself into stardust
That I snort from the same table I skip meals on.
Stopped looking to the sky for answers
When I started stumbling on clouds
The blue wings on my back are as fragile as glass silhouettes
Everyone in the room is throwing stones
And I’m too high to be recognized at home.

I tell the world I’m fine
With all these lies escaping my lips
Alcohol stained memories dance across my hips
My ribs cage secrets I forget in sobriety
But when your skin starts to crawl and you need that next fix
You’ll do damn near anything to secure it.

The bottle was my best friend on the days death wasn’t close enough
When the grim reaper teased my soul
Into believing tonight would be the last in this living hell
Only to awaken once more in this prison cell.
What’s a nightmare with no inner demons
And what’s an inner demon to someone who’s feenin’?
You can swallow your pride in pills
Close your eyes and imagine what’s real
When you awaken hell will still reside in your veins
Lucifer will still slit your wrist
When you’re sure you can’t do it again.

So when I say I feel a weight lifted off my chest
Be sure you take time and ask me about the rest
If my core still shakes in my sheets at night
If I’m able to sustain sanity without taking flight.
I never thought I’d be suspended in addiction
But I guess we’re all searching for something that’s missing.

For Ava (For Ava DuVernay)

When art imitates life I see an Ava DuVernay film.
Everything will carry sanctity and meaning.
The opening credits are drumbeats to the tunes of souls.
Actresses do not act for they are living these roles.
Production cues the beginning of creating
A definite vision embodied in genius.
A genesis of storytelling in every scene.
Not only to give voice but speak who we be.
And in the background Janelle Monae sings a black girl hymn.
Simple and melodic intros disperse in waves of chaos
The most beautiful symphony orchestrated of gain and loss.

This film will be for the brown girl on the playground
With moonlight in her smile
And midnight in her skin.
She will embrace the holiness of gems in her eyes
For every Lucy who walked before her
Even when they saw no diamonds in her skies.

This film is for the little girls
Who have never shaken hands with Jim Crow
But see the trickle down effects in the faces
Of every black woman she may know.

This film is for the little girls
With dreams engulfing them
Between storybooks, naptime and a rerun of Brandy as Cinderella.
Whitney Houston her fairy godmother
Renewing the fairytale and belief in happy endings.

When life imitates art I see an Ava DuVernay film.
The Door opens to sisterhood
Exemplifying a bond without bondage
From 400 years of dying we give life
Let the blood run deep like still waters
Fill the veins with Jasper whispers
Riddle the flesh with Obsidian roots.
Take root and plant words in these bones.
Grow upright with a straightened spine
And everyone will sing a black girl’s song
Learn her truth in rhythm and rhyme.
How Amazing Grace was and is
When Nina Simone’s blackbird flies in the distance.

You could write a script with no consonants
And I would spend time deciphering the vowels.
Annihilating any angst against avoidance
Empowering enclaves entering external endangerment
Instantly initiating interest into inspiration
Overcoming overwhelming obstacles ostentatiously
Unhinge unjust underbellies until understanding undermines useless utterances.

When art becomes life and life becomes art
I see an Ava DuVernay film
Where I can speak to the characters
As they encompass my journey
There are no bounds to what may be seen
What is given breath has never ceased to exist.

Ava,
You breathe life into art again
Renew the anxious poet in me to scribble a line
Move the frozen pen of passion
And release what heavens I have salvaged from the hellish days.
So when my daydreams dare to direct the film of life
I see you there,
A nest of hurried Sundays finding forgiveness in procrastination.
Telling the story, telling your story
And never letting the blackened silence tell it for you.

Running With No End

Who taught you to stop running so young?
Turned your Nike kicks into stilts
You are more balancing act than attraction.
How have you managed becoming complete circus?
My depression is the elephant in the room that won’t stop screaming.
Sometimes my depression is unwanted house guest.
Such a magnificent artist, an actress of sorts.
Performing sorcery and wizardry of words.
Stringing symphonies together of truths unheard.
Fearing nothing in the unknown
No escape between this zone and home.
My schizophrenia is a poem with no words.
It is the most beautiful art no one has ever seen or heard.
But miles away there is a stone heart where I find amazement in the moments of silence
I’ve never been so content with uncertainty.
A hopeless plea with the universe to align stars
Planetary perfection in a world that is always flawed.
There are more words in this brain than storms
Beginning and begging to redefine norms.
But hope…you are never wrong to carry hope.
Even when you are forced to carry it alone.
You are battleship and you will fight..
Fight until every day and every night your victory in your happiness.. is won.

Silence

People ask me why I’m so quiet..
I always say “I’ve always been this way”
Couldn’t possibly tell them the truth.
The stories that began in my youth.
That my words are all tied up in past lovers
Commas, conjunctions hidden within crumpled covers.
Countless poems set sail to sea
Etched on the underside of coffee tables displayed for sale for all to see.
Taken in broken promises
Carried on flights, tossed on the side of highways
My words have become my roadblocks.
I am not quiet with a lack of things to say
I am silent because when I speak people don’t tend to stay.
When my words become more rain cloud and cactus than sunshine and flower
I lose my words, trust and with it my power.
These words are my own and I have staked this claim.
So when I speak to people I choke up on any words other than my name.

You Taught Me (Free Write)

You taught me how to find meaning within myself
To depend on me before reaching for the rest
I was your escape into happiness
A fine line between what is real and a dream.
I would close my eyes unable to tell the difference between one darkness and another.
But when I would wake you were always there.
Not in the presence of my being
Not a mortal being I was seeing.
Your heart became sacrifice
The very thing I needed to renew my own life.
I always hated everyone when you were gone
Trying to turn people’s presence into reasons when they were only meant for a season.
And days like this,
When I tiptoe around valleys of despair
I know, you are still right there.
I bet you’re lighting up heaven right now..
I’m following your footsteps on the ground.
They always feared I would
Even though I never thought I could.
Maybe if I venture with the lost ones, I’ll find you again.
Somewhere between insanity and the pen.
I hope you don’t give up on me.
Even angels have their breaking points
Although it’s hard to believe.
You taught me to find purpose within myself
And I’ve forgotten everything I learned.
I keep retracing my steps trying to undo every wrong turn.
One day I’ll figure out this game of chess,
Remove these taunting whispers and actually heal.
But right now your presence is all I want to feel.
Show me there’s more to life than this
That anguish can soon turn to bliss.
And if you can’t show me what it’s all about,
I beg of you to make room for me above the clouds.

Fireflies

Someone once asked me if the love I had for them was selfish or selfless. A selfish love being I could only love them if they were mine. Selfless love being the ability to let them go and be happy somewhere else. I always felt this question was ridiculous and still do..but not all things in life will be fair or make sense. Some people are fireflies, meant to be watched and admired from a distance. They will allow you to capture them as their light dims without question.

Fireflies dance in the night
In the shadows of our longing humming bright.
Eager to escape capture.
Begging to see the morning after.
We always hold hostage what we find beautiful.
Manipulate into melancholy masochism
Mentally caging and clipping wings too.
Tighten the lid and stare until the brightness dims.
Would you tame the freedom if the firefly became you?

Every Heartbreak (Free Write)

There’s something about the way the soul leaves the body with heartbreak.
Your tongue is still, your mind an earthquake.
Empties slow but always hesitates.
Like dumping a barrel of molasses.
Or the last drops of syrup in the morning.
Forcing down the most important meal
Metal meeting mouth maliciously
Choking out the words with each bite of your pancakes.
Your feet shuffle and scuffle to get through the day.
Ping pong emotions between rage and hate.
Moving the eggs on your plate, practicing separation.
Screeching, halting, lack of motivation.
They never look quite right fragmented.
A piece here and a piece there
Your blood vessels leading and pouring everywhere.
When your whole world seems to come crashing down
You search for grains of sand
To pack into mounds.
Dusty confessions compacted.
Ocean waves come around washing away your efforts to build a mighty castle.
Trying desperately to turn them into life lessons.
Nothing exists beyond the pit of your stomach
Rumbling and tumbling into nothingness.
Where butterflies and fireflies crash erupting into flames
The smoke always spells your attacker’s name.
Engulfs your lungs in forgotten promises
Each breath soiled with confusion and loneliness
Blocking your airways from healing
This rhythm is a homicide of everything you believe in.
The next night will steal your oxygen once more.
It’s like a sad song on the radio.
You know all the words, strings attached
But can never bring yourself to change the station.
Every button becomes a red light.
Rushing to hit the gas and go.
Running off desperation and hope alone.
When your soul meditates through heartbreak..
You may just go insane.
But
Maybe it’s our spirit’s way of begging us
To please not do this shit again.

Funny Beings (Free Write)

Humans have always been funny beings.
Unable to align our words and actions
Saying one thing and doing another.
Forgiving who hurts us yet shunning our lover.
Creating a beef with God
For not hearing us when we don’t even hear us.
Think on it.

Believing hands on our body
Could ever replace making love to our souls.
Give me that quick fix, that right now
We’ll worry about tomorrow, the day after it comes.
Tomorrow isn’t promised
So burn this monument down today
Because that one past experience..
Hey, it told us the monument will fall anyway.

Humans have always been funny beings
Convinced no one gives a damn about us
Ignoring those who have earned our trust.
More value placed in tangible lust
Falsified words are sugar coated lies.
If they lied to us twice, they’ll tell it 3 times
If they lied to us twice, they’ll tell it 3 times
If they lied to us twice, they’ll tell it 3 times

So sure that no one will understand
But we forgot to give them a chance.
Anger is easier than dealing.
Numbing pain is easier than feeling.
Got a beef with life and a beef with death.
Hell, everyone’s out to get us
Let us tell it.
We want this true love but won’t take the slipper to Cinderella.
Let’s just cling to what we know
And act surprised when there’s nothing charming beyond the kiss.

Humans have always been funny beings
We don’t make sense at all.
Blaming everything but ourselves for our hurt and our falls.
Allowing comfort to be home and ignoring better calls.
There is no sanity behind a brain and a brick wall.
Humans have always been funny beings
Some of us are simply waiting to laugh.

You Are Not Alone In This (Free Write)

You are not alone in this.
Not the only one invested in this.
Willing to give up fate for a touch and a kiss.
I’d trade these poems for half the shit I miss.
Rekindled.

You are not the lonely one
Not the lonely one alone in this.
Willing to give up honesty for far fetched hope and bliss.
I’d trade these poems for half a touch and a kiss.
Rekindled.

You are not the hurting one
Not the left in the dark to rot one.
Willing to give up loyalty for what wakes you with the sun.
I’d trade these poems for half a flame of remembrance.
Rekindled.

You are not the shattered one
Not the tossed aside one.
Willing to give up something beautiful for repeated neglect.
I’d trade these poems for half an hour and genuine respect.
Rekindled.

You are not the tired one
The everything you do is perfect just not when you do it one.
The nothing feels right without you but I don’t have time for you one.
I need right now, yeah I know right now is temporary one
Yesterday’s right now is already right then one.
Willing to give up everything for nothing.
Complacency never looked good on you.
I’d trade these poems for your open eyes and willingness.

Rekindled.